EIA To Shift Watchdog Focus Away From Teacher Unions

Note: This is satire. That means it's not real.

(Satire Wire News Reports) In a move that caught education policy wonks throughout the blogosphere by surprise, Education Intelligence Agency (EIA) founder, President and CEO Mike Antonnuci announced late yesterday that the teacher-union watchdog group would move away from its traditionally skeptical view of education-sector organized labor to making sure all students went to every class with a pencil or pen to write with.

“With the recent win by President-elect Obama,” said Antonucci, “and the increased Democratic composition of the House and Senate and the resulting after effects to the education establishment, it is clear that no one is listening to me when it comes to what I have to say regarding the NEA, AFT or teachers’ unions in general. I think by shifting my focus away from organized labor and doing my utmost to make sure that all of the students in the United States go to their classes with a pen or pencil, I’ll be helping to make sure that no children are left behind.”

An accomplished writer and noted military historian, Antonucci began covering the education beat in 1993, shifting his efforts to teacher-union surveillance shortly after the beginning of President Bill Clinton’s second term in June of 1997. EIA is a one-man for-profit research firm that promises anonymity unless a client specifically agrees to waive it, leading to rampant speculation about the group’s funders and clients.

“Those were the days,” says Antonucci, reminiscing about the beginning of the group. “Everything was so new. I remember I started EIA only about four months after NEA President Bob Chase’s ‘New Unionism’ speech at the National Press Club. You know, that speech was my call to arms. It really opened my eyes and made me see teachers, their unions and their union leaders for how they really were.”

“Things are different now,” adds Antonucci. “My ‘Intercepts’ email used to go out to over 4,000 people…now, well, I can’t tell you how many it goes out to because it’s confidential.”

Multiple anonymous sources agreed with the ideological change in climate, but maintained that there were multiple reasons the one-man research group changed its focus from unions to unfettered writing utensil access for all students.

“Antonucci has always done a good job of being thorough in this research and publications, but his output was never at a high volume,” said one high-ranking source, speaking under the condition of anonymity. “When the Fordham Foundation opened up their ‘Flypaper’ blog and started putting out between 20 and 50 posts a day over the same anti-union issues, it kind of seemed to take the wind out of his sails.”

Others familiar with the situation disagreed, chalking it up to a case of “Solidarinosis”.

“Mike was spending too much time involved with union ideas and concepts,” said another anonymous source. “He worked super long hours poring over data, statistics and tables of all things union. I think it rubbed off on him. (Antonucci) started to feel as if the hard work he was doing for EIA wasn’t being truly appreciated by the management. He confronted the management with demands, and the management turned him down.”

When asked why Antonucci would confront himself with demands when he is the founder and only employee of the organization, the anonymous source simply replied, “This is a satire piece. None of this is true, and it’s supposed to be funny. So there.”